Losing Someone Who Never Was



A week ago today, I took a home pregnancy test and learned that I was pregnant with my 3rd child.  Those of you who know me know that I have been thinking and talking about having another baby for the last 4 years.  In fact, I chronicled my waffling over a 3rd child in To 3 or not to 3, That is the Question (yes, go ahead and read that now – it provides good background).  Somehow last month, I was able to convince my on-the fence husband to throw caution to the wind and just “not use protection” to  “see what happens.”  Well, what happened was that fertile Chana got preggers right away, and though I have wanted this for a long time, I have to admit that I was pretty petrified when I first saw the word “pregnant” on the stick.  My husband?  He was completely terrified. 

With each passing day, however, both my husband and I began to embrace the idea that there would be another little bugger entering our lives.  I told my mom we would not be travelling this Christmas break.  I searched the NYT Real Estate section in the hopes of finding a 3rd bedroom.  I bought a loose-fitting maternity-like top at a stoop sale for $3.  I thought about whether we would still use the names we had loved years ago.   I was beyond excited to tell my boys in a couple of months that they were going to have a baby brother or sister.  In short, in just a few days, I came to fully embrace that I was going to be a mother of 3. 

Then, I started bleeding.  At first, it was light spotting and I thought that it could be a normal early pregnancy thing.  Then, the heavy bleeding started and I knew right away that this pregnancy was not going to happen.

Later in the day, sitting in my OB’s office waiting to be seen, it was hard not to hold back tears being in a room full of couples/mothers with their beautiful baby bumps.  I was supposed to come to this office in just a couple of weeks to see a heartbeat.  I was supposed to be sitting there in a few weeks holding T’s hand with my other hand resting on a growing bump.  I was supposed to be having a baby.

Of course, I know and appreciate that having this happen so early is a blessing.  Never having experienced a miscarriage before, I can only imagine the pain a woman goes through when losing a pregnancy even 10 or 12 weeks in.   I also realize that I am beyond blessed that I have two amazing healthy boys.   I know there are so many women who cannot get pregnant and who go through hell trying to have a baby.  But even still – even though I get pregnant easily, even though I am already a mom, even though this happened so early – still, I feel a loss.  In the 6 days that I thought I was having another baby, I really wanted her (yes, of course since “she” never came to be, I can now refer to her as “she”).  

It was hard deciding whether to post about this; I know many women would not want to share this kind of information, and by no means am I posting to glean a bunch of sympathetic responses.  I will be fine, I know.  Most women that I know have gone through this or something like it.   For me, writing is cathartic, and sharing helps me feel just a little better.  And if this post provides comfort to another mom who has gone through this kind of loss, then it makes me feel even better to share.



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4 Responses to Losing Someone Who Never Was

  1. Deena May 9, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

    Chana- I am so sorry to you went through this. The roller coaster on top of the hormonal swings going on in the body is just so much to handle. I guess it’s one of those cases where now you know you really want this next baby! You will have it. Thanks for sharing your story… I shared about my miscarriage and for those of us who do gain a lot from writing and communicating in general, i think it’s fantastic that you wrote about it. I think it totally effing sucks that you are going through it… Sending you hugs and good thoughts. Motherwart is a fantastic herb that supports the uterus and is great for toning and strengthening and also helpful to get hormones in balance… will just help with the transition.

    • Chana May 9, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

      Thanks Deena. Roller coaster indeed. Hugs back to you as well.

  2. Anna June 27, 2013 at 3:53 pm #

    Dear Chana,

    Since a few weeks I’ve been doing your workouts on youtube and tonight I found this website. I’m so sorry to read you’ve lost your baby, I can’t begin to imagine how hard it must be. My heart really goes out to you and I hope you feel a bit better by now.

    • Chana June 28, 2013 at 8:19 am #

      Thank you Anna. I am doing much better. Glad to hear that you are doing the workouts — keep em up! :)

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